the suicide log

04.09.24 : log entry 7
standing in the bitter cold,
i gaze upon those snow-capped mountains
the unreachable distance,
calling to me as if to tease
like the voice of a familiar friend
i start my trek towards those mighty peaks
where the point hits the sky,
reaching to meet the outstretched hands of warmth,
so gentle and inviting
but those hands do not graze my skin
the bitter cold bites where an embrace could have been
and it's no matter how long i have been walking,
i remain on the same level ground.


10.07.24 : log entry 6
a noose adorned with ribbons
a coffin filled with frills
you must have so much vanity
and selfishness is what kills
you say you want to perish
i do not think it true
for how could someone hate a life?
moreover a life such as you
the voices, sure, they call to you
they're calling you by name
my dear, please take this seriously
one's death is not a game
oh, what a lovely girl you are
you're truly very fine
but you will never understand
it's not your life, but mine.


16.05.24 : log entry 5
i look upon your whitened face
that crooked nose, that crooked smile
and through those crude features i see beauty
well, after looking for a while
i might just seem so self obsessed
but vanity is not insanity
dont i deserve the love that others get?
a foreign notion to me for so many years
returns home with peace and amity
a porcelain doll, as white as snow,
blank as paper is her face
but through those cracks upon her grace,
i see that gentle, happy smile.


06.05.24 : log entry 4
its so empty here since all those years ago
even your bright pink face lost all its color
i cant look at myself in the mirror since you faded away
i wish i could tell you that everything is fine
i wish i could show you those sunny skies that you once knew
i wish i could see the world as you once did
but its all gone
lost to time
forgotten memories of a life once lived
its so distant now
i can barely see it.


03.05.24 : log entry 3
my mother is genuinely the craziest person ive ever met
i cant believe half the things she yells at me about
i mean, wearing black clothes? dragging my feet when i walk?
wearing my backpack to school???
shes always angry at me, as if ive never done anything right in my life
and constantly hitting me and aggressively grabbing my arms when shes angry?
i cant take it anymore
shes sick. shes fucking sick.
its impossible to have a normal conversation with her
i wish i could move out, but im still too young
when i was 5, i thought she was a secret agent sent to raise me and make my life hell
maybe i was right.


01.05.24 : log entry 2
my life has honestly been turning for the worse
i cant focus on anything
im not doing my schoolwork
my friends continuously judge me
i cant go a day without crying
im not losing weight no matter how much i starve
i genuinely dont know what to do anymore
nothing is helping, nothing will ever help
why does it have to be me?
why cant horrible things happen to somebody else?
i yearn for the day i can end my suffering
the day i can end my life.


30.04.24 : log entry 1
i havent been feeling like myself
my health has been deteriorating more and more
sometimes i dont even know who i am
my own name feels foreign to me when i hear it
who am i anymore?



Why Will She Leave This World?