the suicide log

11.11.24 : orbit
the years pass by
im different now
forever changed by what i know
but i still see that girl in the corner of my eye
she follows me
she stands there at the end of the hall
lost without the others there to guide her
everyone is already gone, but she's still there
wondering why the world spins round while leaving her behind
i still think of you when the skies turn grey
i wish we were still as friendly as we were
im sure she would have liked you
i try to believe that i no longer do
you sealed a crack in my very soul
one that's turned into a gaping cavity
never to be fixed again
i dream about the conversations we could have had
the person you could have helped me become
slowly, you were healing me
but now im broke again
standing at the beginning of that hallway
waiting for that girl to find her way home
to heal ourselves, and let her go
for you won't help me anymore.


29.09.24 : fire
it's okay
let go
let go of the pain
let go of the injury
let go of the tears
let go of the wounds
let go of the bitterness
let go of the smiles
let go of the laughs
let go of the love
let go of the care
let go of the flesh
let go of the bones
give in to the flames,
tranquil and merciful,
and let them burn you to the ground,
preserved forever in the ashes of what was.


04.09.24 : frozen
standing in the bitter cold,
i gaze upon those snow-capped mountains
the unreachable distance,
calling to me as if to tease
like the voice of a familiar friend
i start my trek towards those mighty peaks
where the point hits the sky,
reaching to meet the outstretched hands of warmth,
so gentle and inviting
but those hands do not graze my skin
the bitter cold bites where an embrace could have been
and it's no matter how long i have been walking,
i remain on the same level ground.


10.07.24 : dismissive
a noose adorned with ribbons
a coffin filled with frills
you must have so much vanity
and selfishness is what kills
you say you want to perish
i do not think it true
for how could someone hate a life?
moreover a life such as you
the voices, sure, they call to you
they're calling you by name
my dear, please take this seriously
one's death is not a game
oh, what a lovely girl you are
you're truly very fine
but you will never understand
it's not your life, but mine.


16.05.24 : acceptance
i look upon your whitened face
that crooked nose, that crooked smile
and through those crude features i see beauty
well, after looking for a while
i might just seem so self obsessed
but vanity is not insanity
dont i deserve the love that others get?
a foreign notion to me for so many years
returns home with peace and amity
a porcelain doll, as white as snow,
blank as paper is her face
but through those cracks upon her grace,
i see that gentle, happy smile.


06.05.24 : youth
its so empty here since all those years ago
even your bright pink face lost all its color
i cant look at myself in the mirror since you faded away
i wish i could tell you that everything is fine
i wish i could show you those sunny skies that you once knew
i wish i could see the world as you once did
but its all gone
lost to time
forgotten memories of a life once lived
its so distant now
i can barely see it.


01.05.24 : log entry 1
my life has honestly been turning for the worse
i cant focus on anything
im not doing my schoolwork
my friends continuously judge me
i cant go a day without crying
im not losing weight no matter how much i starve
i genuinely dont know what to do anymore
nothing is helping, nothing will ever help
why does it have to be me?
why cant horrible things happen to somebody else?
i yearn for the day i can end my suffering
the day i can end my life.


Why Will She Leave This World?